Christmas Regrets
by SylvaDragon
Summary: A Christmas story set during Harry's first Christmas at Hogwarts. Can a little Christmas magic ease the pain and guilt of old wounds ? Grandfatherly Albus. MMAD of course. Does not conform to canon, or to the christmas scene in the first book.


Christmas Regrets

The clock in the tower had just struck midnight on Christmas Eve. The tall man clad in deep red, and with a waist length snow white beard, gazed down at the sleeping dark haired boy tenderly. Stooping he placed a carefully wrapped gift on the table at the foot of the bed, then soundlessly took a step back, and turned to leave. Something seemed to stop him though, as he sighed heavily to himself, bright blue eyes wandering back to rest on the boy who slept so peacefully.

Long minutes passed silently as Albus Dumbledore stood with silvery head bowed, regret and sorrow etched on his face, sapphire eyes unusually dark and shadowed. As Harry whimpered faintly in his sleep, tossing and turning as though suffering a nightmare, Albus reached out as though to soothe him. Wizened hand hovered an inch above Harry's dark tousled hair for a brief moment, then drew back regretfully. As a stray moon beam crept across the Headmaster's face, a single tear shimmered on his cheek, captured in the pale moonlight.

Another heavy sigh like a chill winter wind, and Albus murmured a few words near silently. The air around him seemed to shimmer and sparkle, as the invisibility spell took effect. Safe from prying eyes, Albus slipped soundlessly from the Gryffindor Dormitory, and along the dimly lit passages of the castle.

A short time later Albus sat in a flowery chintz armchair, by a warmly glowing fire in his prvate chambers. Though the flames flickered and danced merrily, as though celebrating the festive season, they evoked no answering response in the man who stared blankly into them. Long boney fingers toyed absently with the tassles on his belt, and the blue eyes which normally sparkled with joy were devoid of light.

Albus was so lost in his world of regret and sorrow that he did not hear the door open softly, did not notice a tall witch clad in an emerald green dressing gown enter the room. Minerva's soft touch on his arm alerted him to her presence, and instantly he tried to paint his face with a smile for her, but she knew him too well to be fooled. Her hand slipped to enfold his, "Oh Albus, what is it ?" She queried in a voice so tender that many of her students would not have belived she had spoken.

A multitude of words swept into Albus' brain, and yet he could not form them into an answer for her. Instead he allowed his hand to tighten around her's, feeling how warm and soft her skin was against his. Though he loved Minerva dearly the loving touch only intensified his regrets, for it was love which more than anything the Dursleys had deprived Harry of. In the months since Harry had come to Hogwarts Albus had become more and more aware of just how little love or kindness Harry had known, and now it was Christmas - the time of year which more than anything was about love, and he had been unable to show Harry how much he loved him, had not even given him a proper gift, but simply his fathers old cloak which was rightfully his anyway.

"Albus ?" Minerva queried softly, fingers rubbing gentle soothing circles on his hand, bending she planted a soft kiss on his cheek. "Albus, please tell me what's wrong."

"Harry ..." Was the only word that Albus could find, and even that word caused him to blink fiercely and focus desperately on the flickering flames, as though they would keep the tears from falling.

Minerva knew the sorrow he tried to hide from her, and she slipped gently onto his lap, wrapping comforting arms around Albus. Silvery head came to rest against ebony one, as tears of sorrow and guilt tumbled down Albus' face, adorning Minerva's midnight hair like shimmering gems, while she held him tight and murmured endearments to him. "I am sorry my love ..." Albus whispered at last, "Christmas should be a time of joy ..."

Minerva could hear the anger in Albus' voice as he set her gently on her feet, and began to pace back and forth. "I have ruined Christmas for you ..." He berated himself.

"Nonsence Albus." Minerva stated firmly, "You can't help what you feel."

"I am a foolish old man, I don't know what you see in me." He growled.

Minerva's intense emerald eyes darkened sadly as she gazed at Albus. As the one he loved and trusted above all others, it was her, and her alone, who saw him in these rare dark moments, when guilt for perceived failings and mistakes ate at him. That one so intensely gloriously good should berate himself so filled Minerva with sorrow, and yet it also made her love him more - for only one so good would feel such guilt. "Well I do know." She stated firmly, "You have a heart that is full of goodness, love and compassion for everyone, Albus Dumbledore, and don't you forget it. You are the kindest and gentlest of men, who has brightened the lifes of many, and who works tirelessly to protect everyone."

"I have not brightened Harry's life ..." Albus snarled, "I placed him with those ... those people, foolish enough to believe that they would come to love him ..." Albus' fist slammed against a small side table in frustration. Turning he stared at Minerva with eyes full of ice cold fury, "Not one single Christmas present in his entire life ever Minerva ! They couldn't even do that for him !" Like a burning fire suddenly quenched, the fury seemed to drain from Albus and he sank heavily into a nearby chair, bowed his head in his hands and whispered, "I wanted to give him a present, a glorious wonderful present that would bring him joy, a present that a Grandfather would give to his favourite Grandson ..." Albus voice trembled as he continued, "But I convinced myself that it would not be appropriate, that I should not favour one student above all others, and so all I have given him is what was already rightfully his anyway."

"Oh Albus ..." Minerva murmured, as her hand caressed his hair softly.

"And now that I see the depths of my own foolishness it is too late, and I having nothing to give him ..." Albus voice was full of bitter self reproach.

As Minerva sought desperately for words of comfort, there was a soft jingle of sleigh bells outside the window. A few seconds later a soft "Ho Ho Ho." Seemed to make the room glow with warmth and light, even Albus' dark mood seemed to lighten a little, as he glanced at the fireplace just in time to see a rotund red clad figure land there.

"Merry Christmas cousin !" Boomed a hearty voice, as a man with the same bright blue eyes as Albus stepped onto the rug, shaking snow from large black boots, and brushing flecks of soot from a snowy white beard. "Your chimney needs cleaning you know ..."

Rising to his feet with outstretched hand, Albus tried to frame his face into a smile - one which did not fool the man who gazed perceptively at him. "Cousin Nicholas, what are you doing here ? Shouldn't you be out delivering presents ?" Albus greeted his cousin.

Minerva, who had spent the last few seconds staring at the two men open mouthed, suddenly regained her senses and gasped, "Albus you don't mean to tell me that you are related to ... to ... Father Christmas ?"

"Oh yes, have been ever since I was born." Albus answered lightly. "Didn't I ever tell you ? I've even filled in for him on occassion."

Before Minerva could answer, Father Christmas said merrily, "And now Albus to my business here ... it is of course to deliver a present ... one that is very much needed ..."

Sorrow flickered across Albus' face like a dark shadow, "Nicholas really I assure you I have no need of gifts ..."

"You need this gift Albus, just as much as young Harry does." Father Christmas stated firmly as he handed a small round glass globe to Albus. "You see dear cousin, this gift is not strictly for you, but for you to give to Harry - that is what you wanted most isn't it ?"

Curiously Albus gazed at the globe that rested lightly in his hand, noting how it was filled with shimmering dancing mist which formed itself into shapes as he watched. Albus' face lit up joyously as he saw his own memories of James and Lily playing with a young Harry captured in the globe. Minerva's hand slipped softly into his as they both relieved those happy times, saw James throw a giggling Harry high into the air catching him safely and holding him close, his face glowing with pride as Lily ruffled her son's hair tenderly.

With a soft "Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas." Father Christmas stepped lightly into the fireplace, turned to beam a farewell at his cousin and vanished back up the chimney.

"It's perfect Minerva, just perfect ..." Albus murmured, as with a soft swish of his wand he encased the globe in sparkling paper covered in golden moons and stars. "If you will excuse me for a time my dear ..." Albus voice was full of eagerness to deliver his gift to Harry.

That Christmas morning, his first at Hogwarts, Harry woke to find the table by his bed laden with gifts. The first one he chanced to pick up was a round parcel with a label on, which read 'To Harry with all my love.' It was unsigned. "How odd ..." Harry muttered, the hand writing was unfamilliar.

"Open it and see what it is." Ron commanded, as he tore the paper from his own gifts.

As Harry saw what the gift was his eyes widened, and then he gasped in delight as he saw his parents, saw their faces glowing with love and pride for him, all magically captured in a small glass globe. The delight on Harry's face was mirrored by the joy on Albus' face, as he peered round the door silent and unnoticed.

_**Author's Notes**_

_**This story crept into my mind at midnight on Christmas Eve, and I thought it would be a short quick story to write which would hopefully give people pleasure. It's now 2.20 am and I'm seriously doubting my sanity in writing this tonight, I really should be in bed, otherwise I'll just want to sleep all day tomorrow. But it just has to be published on Christmas Eve really, so put any errors or any failings in the story down to tiredness. ;) **_

_**I honestly don't know how good this is, so please review. I hope the end is good, tiredness is staring to claim me. Merry Christmas everyone. And please ignore any spelling errors or typos, it's Christmas Eve. ;) **_

_**Urgh I'm going to bed now. **_


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